The Goblins of the Ultimate West

The Goblins of Panzoasia’s Ultimate West are feared for their compulsive vandalism. Mobs of Goblins crawl from their caves by night to poison fields, pull up gardens, and befoul wells. They smash statues, cut paintings, and slash the lovely faces of Elves in their beds. The Goblins draw crude and obscene figures on walls, urinate on food stored for the winter, and kill beloved pets. They hate anything anybody else loves, and resent anything anybody else owns. Goblins are often used as disposable soldiers by their larger kin, the Hobgoblins.

Appearance and Costume

Goblins stand from three to three and a half feet tall, and suggest an abominable mixture of denuded simian and bat. They have enormous, bat-like ears with pointed tips, and wrinkled, leaf-like noses that seem to be either constantly stuffed up or running. Males are generally bald, but females can have human-like head of hair (albeit always stringy and greasy). Goblin eyes are red, and glow faintly. Their skin is usually a sickly yellowish-green, but like that of Elves, can actually be any shade of of any hue. Like all Goblinoids (including Hobgoblins and Bugbears), their arms are disproportionately long for their bodies, their hands are elongated, and their fingers are slightly webbed. Goblins prefer to steal their clothing and weapons, but are not nearly so clever as Kobolds at re-purposing items. The one item that all Goblins carry, however, is a well-used handkerchief – which is never washed.

Goblin Culture and Society

Goblins love to eat anything other races find disgusting – and if others see them doing it, so much the better. Worms slurped like noodles are a Goblin delight. Above all, they love to make bizarre alcoholic brews which include ingredients like dung beetles, mushrooms, fresh blood, old socks, and rotten Human heads. Hobgoblins often send all their organic waste to the Goblin warrens for disposal, and much of it goes into the brew pot. In fact, much of the disordered thinking characteristic of Goblins may be put down to the fact that they are usually intoxicated.

The stench of a Goblin’s (distressingly frequent) farts is indescribably awful. In fact, Goblins will stage contests with each other to see who can produce the most vile flatulence. If not for the competing stink of the horrible brews also being made there, Goblin lairs would smell entirely of farts.

Besides farting competitions, the favorite sport of Goblins is Snot Shooting. Goblins compete for distance and accuracy while clearing their noses. If possible, they prefer to paint the target on the forehead of a bound Elf, Human, Dwarf, Gnome, or Halfling (in that order or preference). When Goblins aren’t clearing their noses, they are frequently picking them – either flinging the extracted mucus at another, or eating it.

Goblins have no sense of privacy, shame, or even pride – but they live in a constant state of resentment. In fact, any Goblin who accomplishes anything noteworthy will be quickly torn down by their fellows. Goblin Tyrants are infamous for their stupidity and short-sightedness, but Goblins consider this desirable in a leader. Oddly, Goblins have no problem with following clever Hobgoblins – they simply believe no Goblin should ever act like they are smarter than another.

It is not uncommon for a horde of Goblins to be led by one of the half-human, half Hobgoblin hybrids known as High Goblins.

Goblins at War

Goblins take no more care of their weapons and armor than they do anything else. The bits and pieces of armor they wear are usually mismatched, ill-fitting, and crudely repaired. Like Hobgoblins, they can only wear helmets that are open at the side, because of their large ears. Goblin soldiers serving directly under Hobgoblin command, however, are sometimes issued fine armor and weapons of Hobgoblin steel.

The favorite weapons of Hobgoblins are saw-toothed short swords, spiked clubs, and short bows (firing barbed arrows) Those Goblins who ride Dire Wolves also wield short spears that they they can use use like lances in melee, or throw as javelins.

Goblins also throw excrement as a weapon of war. One particularity nasty way is to roll it into balls, infest the balls with with Rot Grubs, and cover them with with mud. Once dried and safe to (gently) handle with gloves, the dried balls are flung at enemies – while the Goblins slink away to snicker.

A curious fact about raiding Goblins is that they are just as likely to steal toys and novelties as gold . In fact, the treasure vaults of a Goblin Tyrant are likely to hold as many old dolls and hobby horses as gems. Of course, any pretty toy the Goblins can’t steal they will break – preferably in front of a crying child.

Animals and Allies of the Goblins

Wolves, bats, rats, and weasels naturally get along with Goblins, as do the giant and monstrous versions of those same animals. Dire Wolves and Giant Bats in particular often serve as Goblin mounts. All other mammals, however, instinctively hate Goblins, and will refuse to eat or drink if captured and held by them. Likewise, any crops Goblins attempt to intentionally grow, other than mushrooms and fungi, will always wither and die. Thus, the Goblins cannot engage in any appreciable agriculture (beyond raising snakes, lizards, maggots, and worms), and must constantly hunt and raid (unless they live off the garbage of another species).

The Goblin Language

The Goblin language is harsh and guttural, but also filled with syllables that resemble retching, throat clearing, and nose-blowing. The names of Goblins always translate to something unpleasant, such as “Vomit-soup” or “Pus-drop”. When Goblin is written, is uses a system of pictograms that look startlingly like crude versions of those used for Western Elven – a fact that Elves put down to some kind of tasteless Goblin joke.

Alignment and Religion

Clerics of the Antichurch of Darkness greatly resent being assigned to the smelly, filthy, and unrelentingly noisy Goblin warrens. Goblins demand to be constantly entertained in their worship, and the Depradator Priests and Priestesses must often resort to adding cheap legerdemain and stage trickery when celebrating the Black Mass for Goblins.

The Gnomish sages claim that once, most Goblins were simply Chaotic rather than Evil. They were skilled artisans who took great pride in their work, but also had a love of practical jokes and mischief. Unfortunately, when the Hobgoblins invented steel they made the Goblins feel inferior. Afterward, the Goblins gave up attempting to make beautiful things, and turned instead towards stealing and destroying them.